I’ve been stewing on defense mechanisms lately. I’ve been considering the defense mechanisms in my own life to see which ones I created intentionally or developed on their own, and the effects they have on my life. The student in me gets it. Defense mechanisms are developed to protect ourselves. Often born out of some sort of trauma, our brains and bodies have developed hacks to keep us safe. But the “hurt person” in me gets it deep in my soul. I’ve created, both consciously and subconsciously, ways to keep people at arms length so that I don’t get hurt again, and they are slowly ruining my life.
Let’s put something on the table before I go on: boundaries can be a defense mechanism but defense mechanism is not synonymous with boundaries. Healthy boundaries in relationships are crucial to living, but unhealthy boundaries – boundaries developed from hurt or anger or spite, etc – are not. Unhealthy boundaries may look like they’re producing the same external results as healthy ones, but the intention of my heart is completely different. In healthy boundaries my goal is to make my relationships the best they can be by making sure we all know the expectations and reality involved. In unhealthy boundaries my goal is to protect myself at all costs.
My number one go-to, default, most favorite defense mechanism is cynicism. I’ve been aware of this for a while, and I know I’ve written on it before. I first felt the heavy weight of conviction about my cynicism when I was listening to a podcast and the interviewee said “cynicism is a cheap form of grief”, and ever since this has been my mantra. Because it is true. Nine times out of ten, my cynicism is born from a lack of properly grieving an experience of my own or of someone close to me and that’s tough to swallow. Because grief sucks. Admitting hurt and seeking healing it way harder than allowing my stuffed emotions to create walls. More importantly, doing the work means I have to resolve something with, usually with someone else, instead of writing them off. What good and beautiful relationships I have missed out on through defense measures designed to keep people away, because I was too proud to meet them at the table?
It is time to get back to believing the best in people instead of assuming the worst. When did we stop seeing the hurt in each other and begin only seeing one another at our worst? It’s okay if we’re proven wrong. I’d rather be proven wrong a million times over for believing the best in someone than be proven wrong for assuming everyone was terrible. Does this open me up to being hurt by people? Yes. But what good is protecting myself from the world doing? Our cynicism is not protecting our hearts from getting hurt – it’s slowing hardening them. Slowly but surely our hearts are growing hard to broken people, which is ironic because we are just as broken. We were clearly given a commandment to love other people, and hard hearts can’t do that. Contrary to our belief, hard hearts still get hurt, and it just chips away until there is nothing left.
If love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control are fruits of the Spirit, cynicism is an acid slowly eating away at the fruit and deteriorating the root. They cannot coexist. It is time to choose one or the other. If we are determined to hang on to our hearts of stone that have developed through cynicism and bitterness, we will never experience the full bounty of fruits born through the Spirit. We will never experience all the Spirit has to offer. But I guess we sure will enjoy sitting by ourselves in the dark after we’ve chased everyone away.
Doing the work of releasing cynicism isn’t for the faint of heart, but we don’t do it alone. Ezekiel says GOD will give us a new heart, taking the one of stone and replacing it with one of flesh. It isn’t something we can discipline ourselves into – it is an act of submission to the Spirit. It involves submitting ourselves to conviction and choosing a different way. Take stock of your heart: where is cynicism beginning to harden you?
In your job?
Your marriage?
Your family?
Your friendships?
Aren’t you exhausted from carrying that rock around?
I am. It’s time to submit to the work, friends. It’s time to let go of the cynicism we’re holding onto and start dealing with the grief we’ve ignored for far too long. Join me. I promise it will be worth it.
Julia Bellendir 